2021 is here
2021 is here. The year 2020 is behind us, but it doesn’t feel that way. So much permanent change happened in 2020 that will carry forward for years to come. I lost you in 2020 and you’ll remain gone for all of the years to come. Of course, I’ll feel your presence. I’ll wonder what you would say or do in any given situation. I’ll see those peanut butter cheddar crackers you loved and will always want to buy them for you. I’ll cling to any thought of you, but it won’t bring you back. I also got married in 2020, with the goal being a permanent change in marital status. And I became a homeowner in 2020. I won’t live in this apartment forever, but I am officially someone who has owned a home.
Putting myself aside for a second, the world experienced permanent change too. We won’t all work from home forever. We won’t wear masks forever. And we won’t close all sidewalks for outdoor dining forever. But we will continue to scan menus with a QR code. We will be more conscious about germs and washing hands. We will have more options for how and where to conduct business. And we’ll be a little more scared to breath around others we don’t know or trust.
Everyone wants to put 2020 in the past. I understand that feeling. But we can’t take 2020 out with the trash. For all of the good, the very bad, and the super ugly, 2020 changed our world in too many permanent ways to just discard it like an old t-shirt. Plus, you would never discard an old t-shirt, Dad.
Learning to truly exist without you in a post pandemic world hasn’t even started yet. Figuring out how to work, travel and socialize is still in flux. What businesses remain on the other side of this is unknown. As awful as living in the pandemic is, it’s a limbo universe where nothing feels quite real. Some days just feel like a bad dream, but a dream nonetheless, one I will wake up from in a sweat, no different than I was when I went to sleep.
I keep thinking that 2021 will be easier than 2020. It has to be, right? You and 300,000 other Americans died in 2021. We went through and are still going through a pandemic. But we have vaccines. We are learning from mistakes. We have a new President. So sure, maybe 2021 will be better, but will it be easier?
A wise man (ok, a spin instructor), said “it doesn’t get easier - you just get stronger.” Losing you has not gotten any easier. But I’ve gotten stronger, implementing more strategies to cope and to heal. I’ll find strength in teas, sitting tall, being brave, lifting weights, and laughing. I know I’ll have a lot of great moments in my life, but every Hoffman Family Calendar entry with the year 2021 or later is one that won’t have your name listed, which will break my heart a million times over.
I want to wrap this letter up with a bow, but I’ll leave the bow off today. Not every sad thought needs a positive side. Not every half empty glass needs a half full perspective. Learning to sit with discomfort is hard, but it is part of healing and is often times the best solace you can give yourself or others.
